The Presence ...

Im not sure why it makes me feel so special. But there surely is something so nice about it that made me yearn for it. I did not realize it until its absence. And when I realized that its absence created a feeling of emptiness in me, I did know that its presence isn’t going to be there for long. An optimist Im, let me continue to bask in its happiness. Why not, when it makes me feel happy and delighted. Although I was certain about me enjoying it now, there was something that was bothering me in spite of it taking a place at the back of my head. What will I do when I no longer have it? How tough it is for me to accept its absence? How will I come to terms with the reality? When I think about it, its so much terrifying and confusing. But actually, its not. After all, time is the best healer. Did I ever imagine in the past that I would get such a wonderful thing as this? There is always something best that’s awaiting for the future. What more should I ask ? Im happy … and will be forever...

Change !!

A very common phrase that we use in our day-to-day activities is “Change is constant”. Sometimes we welcome the change with open heart while some other times we feel uncomfortable about the change. But what we don’t realize is that change begins with a choice. A choice that is determined by us. A choice that we choose to follow. Today we would see ourselves to be a successful person. When we sit back and think about how our future is going to be, a sense of trepidation skulks in. We start preparing ourselves for the change that the future is going to bring in and in the course of preparing ourselves to face that better, we most often end up taking radical steps that spoils our present. The idea of trying to bring a change in ourselves, our way of living or anything around us generally makes us feel uncomfortable. A gradual change always has better effects than the ones that happen in haste. The fear of the unknown is more in us that we still put up with the discomfort that the change gives us and end up taking drastic steps to bring about the change. At the end of it, what we don’t realize is that the choices are ours to make but what we end up doing is curse the effect and continue to nourish the cause. Change doesn’t just take money and time, it needs emotion. If you don’t feel passionate about something or if u try to change something in you that’s against your will you can bet it won’t happen. If you have ever tried to quit smoking or to change some major behavior that you have habitually done for some period of time, you will know how tough it is change something forcibly. Ya, adhering to the change is a tough nut to crack. There are also times when we try to change ourselves for the benefit of others. Most often it’s for the people whom we love most. What we don’t realize is the pain that the dear ones face in seeing the change in you and accepting your change. The ultimate result of the change is that both u and ur loved one are unhappy. Isnt it better off to live the present to the fullest than changing yourself now thinking about the future? If you don’t like how things are, change it! You have the ability to totally transform everything in your life – and it all begins with your very own power of choice. If you are happy with the way things are, enjoy it ! Changing the present to experience a better future will make both the present and future worse.
Come what may, Life just goes on. How ever prepared we are to face the future, there is always a ‘surprise’ factor for which we can never get prepared. All we need to do is try and enjoy the surprise and not repent for being foolish to have not anticipated the surprise.

Happy Anniversary !!

5 long years in a company is reeeaaally reeeeaaallly looooonnnngggg time. The Place where my career as a software engineer started. Should I say ‘Sigh’?
It feels like I just came to Bangalore to join Intel few months back. Its been 5 years since then, time just flew away so fast. Looking back, this is one of the best that I ll always feel proud about. There is a lot that has happened over these years. Many different learning experiences, interesting people, wide variety of work, funny email exchanges, so many releases, team outings, quarterlies. It seems like I have conquered the unconquerable, it took me so many hours, months and years to taste this. There were moments when I felt like getting out of the politics at work and late night work schedule, moments when I felt I need to put an end to my technical career and find something else interesting, moments when I wanted to just sit at home and do nothing. Those first few years remind me of many bitter-sweet moments. Unpleasant words, nasty emails, unnecessary escalations, unrecognized work were the only ones during those times. Believe me; each experience helped me come out stronger and wiser. Now, nothing is impossible. Its all about solving problems and resolving difficulties and not letting ur professional life affect ur personal life. I got the hang of all of these after few years. Amidst the variety of work that kept me engaged over these years and task focused working lives, there are many interesting personalities who made this a great place to work, things that can never get off my memory. The interpersonal relationship prospered out of positive and supportive attitude from such people. The personal and professional success was so much interwoven that the quality of these relationship was something that showed how we enjoyed being in each others’ company. I enjoyed my time here in these last 5 years, loved the people around and have always been thrilled to get to work each day to experience something new and interesting, more so because of the emotional bonds between people driven by passion and inspiration.
When good things touch our life, we hardly recognize their presence, we only enjoy the rewards. Yes, Intel is once such thing that touched my life, the rewards of which im enjoying for the past 5 years and I hope I can continue to live in this enjoyment for long. Although I have never worked for any other company, I can still say Intel is the best place to work. Im happy to have been in this comfort zone for really long time.

Wishing Rajeev, Bala, Pradeep & Vidya a very happy anniversary as well !!

The birthday cake ..

It was my mom’s birthday today. Every year I remember it a week later. Surprisingly this time I was reminded of it a week before. To celebrate the sharpness of my memory and to celebrate her day in a different way, I was thinking on what kind of surprises I can give her on her b’day. But the fact that its me and I cant plan any surprises for anything was still something to think about. That apart, I was wondering what I should do for her for the special day. And it struck me that I can surprise her by baking a cake for her. I was sure its going to be unforgettable for her if not disastrous, considering I hardly know to bake cakes. I don’t know how in the world did I think of this, but I was totally excited. Now comes the bigger problem. How do I get the recipe for the cake from her? How abt this “Amma, im planning a surprise for ur b’day. Can u please tell me the recipe for baking a cake so that I can surprise you ?”. Going by my nature, Im pretty capable of doing it. For once I decided I ll act little smart. I did ask her the recipe for the cake but then added a disclaimer “Note: VJ wants to know how to bake a cake”. As if she is so dumb to accept that VJ did want the recipe. So sweet she was that she did not question me on anything and just gave me the recipe. Ok, problem #1 solved. And now the next major problem. I need to make this cake in my home without her knowing that Im doing it. Ha ha ! What a joke. She is a home maker and I cant get any time alone at home to make it without her knowledge. So, I need to do some more extra planning for this. The t20 WC match was a blessing in disguise. I told her I was planning to watch the complete match that night while at the back of my mind I had planned to make the cake over that time. I bought the needed ingredients and hid it so that she doesn’t spot those and guess what im upto. So all set. Clock stuck 10. Time for her to get to bed. And yes she did get to bed. I gave abt 5 mins time for me to complete what ever I was doing and then start the “making of the cake…”. 5 mins later she walks out of the room and says “Im not feeling sleepy”. Of all days why is it that she isn’t feeling sleepy now. I gave her ideas on how to sleep even when u r not sleepy. She listens to all those and goes to bed again. In the next 5 mins, she is again out of the room and now with a different dialogue “Who was that guy who played for Deccan chargers in IPL and is now in that Netherlands team?”. At 10.30pm what sort of important question was this. I knew she was talking abt Dirk Nannes. In the next 15 mins, she wants to know if I booked the ticket to travel home over the weekend. For a moment, I thought I ll give her Avil and put her to sleep ;-) After about half an hour, I saw she was having a sound sleep. Finally the time came. I got off to a splendid start and by the time I finished the process it was 2 am. I was too lazy to clean the containers used. So I hid it under the table and put the cake in another safe place. I just sat on the bed after all this and I suddenly heard her talking “Innumma thoongalai” (haven’t u slept yet?) . I thanked god for the timing.
I got up the next morning at 8am and I saw her already busy in her cooking activities. Wished her, presented her the gift that I had got and showed her the cake finally ! Phew !! She was totally taken aback. She had lot of questions in mind on how and when. And I narrated the entire “making of the cake.. “ process. Im sure she enjoyed it. And the cake did turn out to be good – looked good and tasted good as well. After all it was made out of so much of love and care ..

Mom, my love

I stole your breath
You gave me a life
I became a part of you,
Our life together began

I wailed when I saw the new world,
You embraced me with open arms and open heart,
With enduring patience and inner strength,
Our life together began

You showed me what love is
You taught me how to enjoy the pain
You taught me the art of forgiving
You healed my hurts
You calmed my fears
You wrapped me with your love
You gave more than just a hot cooked meal
You gave me an identity and pride
You loved me in a very special way
You have given me so much

I feel proud to have been a part of you as a little one
I feel proud to have been a descendant of such a strong woman
I feel proud to be called your typical daughter

I have never embraced you, I have never kissed you
Yet my heart always goes out for you, now and every moment of my life.
I have lost my temper; I have not been well behaved always,
Yet my endless love is only for you, now and ever.

Yes, my life started with you,
And now my heart beats just for you
I carry you within my heart now.
You are an angel of god in disguise.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY AMMA !!

What was I thinking ?

Its easier said than done. How very true!! Every deliberate attempt to forget it more so bring memories of it – pleasant, unforgettable, that brings a smile on my face. People, music, things, events, expressions, photographs... are all memories, a story from the past expressed without words. Every time someone says “Im not worth it, u deserve much more…” my head turns restlessly in all possible directions to see who that gentle(wo)man is. The only thing that is observed while walking on the roadside is big cars to see if anything is a ML. Lonely stranger, Have u ever loved a woman, It hurts me too… , amazing lyrics, which I have listened umpteen number of times in the past, enjoying every word of it. A movie that was watched, about which I could recollect nothing - the cast and character or the title or the story. Only thing that remained in my mind was two people riding in the horse all thru the movie. The only best profile picture that was always put to sleep in my absence and with all patience, I put it back it in the right way, every time. Heaps of papers, cartons, books left unarranged in a room, which I desperately wanted to set it right everytime I passed by the room. I still remember the days when I struggled hard to complete Ayn Rand’s Fountain Head and Atlas shrugged, just b cos someone told me it’s a nice read. The first sensitive moment and the last one too !! The Park, the temple, the performing arts school, green nest, ibp, red bull, metro dryers, .. Small things yet not so small .. It isn’t about how much pain it brings to me, its just about how it impacted me in many different ways, made me think , ‘How I wish I was there … ‘ It isn’t about what I have lost, its about the moments when I look up to the sky and ask ‘Why am I here’ .. .

God will never leave you empty.
He will replace everything you lost.
If he asks you to put down something,
He wants you to pick up something greater!

-100

The after-lunch walk on that day was very humorous with the folks from my previous team, after a long time. As always, PP remained the ‘scapegoat’ that day too. If at all these is any consolation for PP, it must be that A and J were added to the list for the day. The thing that’s common between PP, A and J is that they are the most eligible bachelors, atleast that’s how they call themselves, right now. The topic of the day was the “Most beautiful woman” they have met so far. PPs list was a public list, more so bcos of his grand b’day celebration just the day before. All eyes (men’s eyes) on him .. jealousy .. who else other than PP can have a b’day celebrated by all girls from the group .. Im sure the other bachelor boys are envious of him. After targeting PP for a while, all eyes shifted to A. A was too shy to name his list. He tried to pass the ball to J. J was acting clever in telling that he doesn’t know the name, he has only seen them, and that he considers the lady with a beautiful smile, the woman with the long hair as the toppers in the ‘Most beautiful woman’ (women) he has met. When asked to explain more on where those ladies sit, he said he doesn’t know where they sit, but has only seen her (them ??) passing by his cube !! (Gone with the wind ??) The team was very enthusiastic to know the ‘Passer by girl’ and so gave an AR to J. The next time the girl walks past aisle, he is supposed to get up and shout the position the girl holds in his ranking so that everyone can immediately stop their work and get up to see who the ‘beautiful’ girl is. Someone in the group suddenly turned to me and said, “Please make sure u don’t walk by his aisle ok. He might shout -100 when u pass by”. I had a hearty laugh at this comment .. as if I don’t know that Im not a drop dead gorgeous kind of a girl